Why do we sabotage ourselves - especially with money and love?

Luzia Lifecoach
5 days ago
5 min read

How to Finally Stop Kicking Our Own Butts

Ever found yourself ghosting a perfectly decent human being who brought you soup when you were sick, just because it felt “too nice”? Or maybe you received a sudden influx of cash—from a refund, an unexpected bonus, or grandma’s guilt money—and instead of saving it, you impulse-bought an alpaca-patterned bean bag chair and a dozen varieties of gourmet hot sauce you’ll never actually use?

If this sounds familiar, welcome to the strange but relatable world of self-sabotage, where we somehow manage to trip ourselves up just as life is getting good. In this post, we’re digging into the why of self-sabotage—particularly around money and love—and more importantly, how to stop treating ourselves like the villain in our own success story.

First, What Even Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when your actions (or inactions) block your own progress, happiness, or goals. It can look like:

Ending a healthy relationship for no logical reason.
Avoiding job opportunities or undercharging clients.
Procrastinating on important financial tasks until you’re “accidentally” broke.
Dating that guy again. You know the one. Yes, him.

And here's the kicker: we’re usually not doing it consciously. We say we want love and money and success—but when it starts to show up, we freak out and throw metaphorical Molotov cocktails at it. So what gives?

Why We Do This to Ourselves

Let’s unpack it. Gently. With snacks if needed.

1. Childhood Programming: “Love and Money = Danger”

If you grew up in a household where love came with strings, manipulation, or abandonment—or where money was a source of constant stress or fighting—your nervous system got the message early: these things are not safe.

Love? That’s when people leave. Money? That’s when Dad yells, Mom cries, and someone pawns the TV.

So even as an adult, when these things show up in a healthy way, your brain sounds the alarm. “Warning! Safety breach! Too calm! Too stable! We don’t do this kind of peace!”

2. Low Self-Worth: “I Don’t Deserve This”

If you carry a deep, often unconscious belief that you’re not worthy of abundance, joy, or healthy affection, then when those things arrive… your inner critic stages a coup.

You might think:

“They’ll see the real me and leave.”
“This money is too good to be true.”
“I’ll just mess it up anyway.”

And boom—you unconsciously create chaos to confirm those beliefs. Because the devil you know (struggle, scarcity, dysfunction) feels safer than the heaven you don’t.

3. Fear of Loss: “Better to Kill It Than Lose It”

There’s a twisted logic here: If I end it now, I’m in control. If I wait, I might be blindsided and hurt later.This is why we bail right when it’s getting good. Self-sabotage becomes a form of self-protection. You’d rather be the one who walks away than the one who gets left.

Cue the heartbreaking irony: we’re trying to avoid pain, but we end up guaranteeing it.

What Does Self-Sabotage Look Like?

Let’s make it real.

In Love:

Choosing emotionally unavailable partners (bonus points if they’re charming and slightly broken).
Being overly critical or nitpicky just to push someone away.
Withholding vulnerability or affection.
Ghosting after a good date because it was too good.

In Money:

Undervaluing your work or not asking for what you’re worth.
Blowing through savings after a financial win.
Avoiding financial planning like it’s haunted.
Staying in jobs you’ve outgrown because “Who am I to want more?”

So... How Do We Stop Sabotaging Ourselves?

Ah, yes. The million-dollar question (or at least the question that’ll save you many dollars and heartbreaks).

Why do we sabotage ourselves - especially with money and love?

1. Recognize the Pattern

You can’t change what you don’t see. Start noticing your own sabotage signals:

Do you panic when things get stable?
Do you shut down when someone treats you well?
Do you somehow make yourself broke right after getting ahead?

Awareness is step one. You are not crazy. You’re just operating off an old operating system.

2. Name the Origin Story

Ask yourself:

Where did I learn that love isn’t safe?
What messages did I get about money growing up?
What early experiences taught me that success = stress, betrayal, or punishment?

Writing about this in a journal—or better yet, exploring it in therapy or coaching—can help you start to rewrite those beliefs.

3. Interrupt the Pattern With Curiosity

Next time you catch yourself about to sabotage something good, pause and ask:

“What part of me is afraid right now?” Often it’s a younger version of you trying to keep you safe. Offer that part compassion, not condemnation. Instead of judging yourself, try:

“Hey, I see you. I know you’re scared. But we’re okay now. We’re safe.”

4. Build a Tolerance for Goodness

Receiving love, success, or financial ease can feel unfamiliar—sometimes even physically uncomfortable—if you’ve been conditioned for the opposite.

Start with small steps:

Let someone pay for your coffee and don’t protest.
Celebrate a win without downplaying it.
Let the good feelings last for longer than five minutes without self-sabotaging.

You are literally building a new nervous system baseline. This is the work.

5. Create “Safe Containers” for Success

Sometimes we sabotage because we don’t have the tools to hold the good things.

So:

Learn basic financial literacy so money doesn’t overwhelm you.
Practice clear communication and boundaries in love so intimacy feels manageable.
Surround yourself with emotionally mature people who model safety.

Think of it like giving your inner child a life jacket before they dive into deep water.

Final Thought: You’re Not Broken

You’re not broken, lazy, ungrateful, or doomed. You’re just running protective patterns that once helped you survive, even if they now make you miserable.

As therapist Britt Frank says:

“Self-sabotage is just misguided self-love.”

So the next time you’re tempted to burn down the good stuff, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:

“What if I actually let this be good?”

And then, just maybe, let it be.

Want help breaking self-sabotage patterns?

Try these to get started:

Journal prompt: What do I believe I have to sacrifice in order to feel safe?
Somatic exercise: Place your hand on your chest. Breathe. Say out loud: “It’s safe to have nice things.” Repeat. Again.
Mini-mantra: “I can be safe and successful. I can be loved and free.”

And if you mess up? That’s okay too. You’re learning a new dance. Just don’t quit the party.

Book recommendations

1. The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest

As mentioned earlier, this is the go-to book on why we self-sabotage and how to heal. Applies beautifully to both love and money issues.

2. Money Magic: Practical Wisdom and Empowering Tools to Create Financial Peace by Deborah L. Price

Written by a former financial advisor turned therapist, this book uncovers the emotional roots of money issues—like guilt, shame, and scarcity—and how to rewrite your financial story. Particularly powerful for people healing poverty mindset, overspending, or under-earning.

3. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

A brilliant breakdown of attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) and how they play out in relationships—especially the push-pull cycles that sabotage love.

You’ll probably say “OH MY GOD THAT’S ME” at least six times while reading.