Selfish, Selfless, or Self-full? How to care without losing yourself

Most of us have struggled at some point with the question: Am I being too selfish? Or am I giving too much of myself away? We live in a culture that often praises selflessness and shames selfishness. But real life is rarely that black and white. People-pleasers burn out. Helpers grow resentful. And those who dare to say no often carry a quiet burden of guilt.

What’s missing in this conversation is a third option: self-fullness - a way of relating to ourselves and others that is balanced, kind, and sustainable.

Understanding the Spectrum

To understand self-fullness, it helps to first look at the extremes. At one end is selfishness: putting your own wants and needs above others, often with little regard for the impact. At the other end is selflessness: constantly putting others first, even at your own expense.

Neither of these ways of being are healthy over time.

Selfishness ignores others. It is a self-centred approach that often leads to disconnection. The selfish person may protect their time and energy, but they often do so in a way that dismisses the needs and feelings of others.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”— Oscar Wilde

Selflessness, on the other hand, ignores the self. It may look admirable, but it can quietly erode your well-being. The selfless person might be kind and generous, but over time, they risk losing their sense of identity, health, and emotional balance.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”— Unknown

What Is Self-Fullness?

Self-fullness is the middle path. It means honouring your needs, boundaries, and values while still caring about the well-being of others. It is not about being perfectly balanced all the time, but about making conscious choices that include - not diminish - yourself. A self-full person does not feel guilty for resting, declining invitations, or asking for space. They understand that saying no today makes it more possible to say a wholehearted yes tomorrow.

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”— Paulo Coelho

Self-fullness is not selfish. It is self-respect in action. And it allows us to stay connected to others without sacrificing ourselves in the process.

What It Looks Like in Everyday Life

Self-fullness shows up in small, ordinary decisions. It might look like skipping a social event after a long week of caregiving, not because you don’t care about your friends, but because you need sleep and solitude. It might be saying to your partner, “I love you, but I need the evening to myself,” or telling a client, “I’m fully booked today, but I can see you next week.”

It’s calling a friend back when you have the energy to listen with presence, rather than picking up the phone out of obligation and growing resentful mid-conversation. None of these actions are about pushing people away. They are about showing up for others in a way that is honest, grounded, and sustainable.

Why It Feels Uncomfortable at First

If you’ve been conditioned to equate self-worth with self-sacrifice, self-fullness may initially feel selfish. You might feel guilty for resting, saying no, or asking for what you need. But guilt is not always a sign that you’ve done something wrong, it’s often just a sign that you’re doing something new.

It takes practice to learn that you are allowed to matter too. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to say no without explanation. And you are allowed to build a life that supports your health and energy, not just the comfort of others.

Setting Boundaries: A Core Part of Self-Fullness

Boundaries are often misunderstood. They are not about keeping people out; they are about keeping your relationships healthy. A self-full person sets boundaries not to punish or control, but to preserve what is good. They say no with kindness and yes with intention. They don’t over-explain or apologize for taking care of themselves. They trust that those who truly respect and care for them will understand. When boundaries are in place, relationships actually thrive. There is more clarity, more respect, and less resentment.

Journal Prompts for Practicing Self-Fullness

If you’re not sure where to begin, consider exploring the following questions in a journal:

• When was the last time I said yes, even though I wanted to say no?

• What am I currently doing out of guilt or fear rather than genuine desire?

• What do I need more of in my life right now? What do I need less of?

• Where do I feel resentment building, and what is that trying to tell me?

These questions are not meant to criticize but to bring awareness. Self-fullness begins with noticing where you’ve disappeared in your own life and gently beginning to return.

Book recommendation

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

By Nedra Glover Tawwab

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In this practical and compassionate guide, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explains how setting healthy boundaries is the key to healthier relationships, better mental health, and a more peaceful life. Drawing on years of clinical experience, she outlines the emotional, psychological, and relational costs of poor boundaries—and shows readers how to set clear, respectful limits without guilt.

The book walks readers through the different types of boundaries (emotional, physical, time, material, sexual, etc.) and helps identify the signs of boundary violations, such as resentment, burnout, and passive-aggressive behaviour. Tawwab also addresses the fears that keep people stuck—like the fear of conflict, rejection, or being seen as selfish.

Through real-life examples and simple scripts, the book teaches you how to:

• Recognize when your boundaries are being crossed

• Communicate your needs clearly and assertively

• Say no without over-explaining

• Honour your limits while still being kind and connected

At its core, the book affirms that boundaries are not walls but bridges. They preserve energy, deepen trust, and make space for authentic connection.

“You get to decide what is okay and what is not okay in your life.”— Nedra Glover Tawwab

Self-Fullness is not Selfishness

The goal is not to stop giving. It’s to stop giving in ways that hurt you. Selfishness puts the self above others. Selflessness puts others above the self. Self-fullness places both in the circle of care.

This is the kind of balance that allows relationships to flourish. It’s how we move from resentment to joy, from burnout to vitality, from pleasing to presence. And maybe most importantly, it’s how we finally come home to ourselves.

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